Thoughts from Olivia...

An eight year study conducted by Columbia University revealed that kids who have dinner with their parents less than three times per week are much more likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs than kids who have dinner with their parents five to seven times per week.  Kids who dine frequently with their parents also have reduced factors of boredom, academic problems and overall stress.

Unfortunately, the study didn’t measure what all of those meals together does to mom’s stress level.  So I thought I would shed some light on the subject.

During our B.C. era (Before Children) Kurt and I enjoyed dinner time as a chance for the two of us to set aside the demands of our respective careers and devote all of our attention to one another.  Even a quick sandwich with chips served to calm our chaos and allowed us to look into one another’s eyes as we enjoyed two of life’s great pleasures – dining and conversation.  After God added children to our table, mealtime became an entirely different experience.  We still go to an occasional restaurant, but candles have been replaced with ketchup packets.  Rather than the time of day I anticipated as a chance to relax with my husband, mealtime became the hour Kurt and I would most likely have a nervous breakdown.  

Dad:  “Who’s turn is it to say the blessing tonight?”

Nicole:  “I’ll pray!”

Mom:  “Nicole, you’ve prayed every night for the past two years.  I think it might be one of your brothers’ turn.”

Nicole:  “But I want to pray!”

Dad:  “OK.  First Kyle will pray and then Nicole can pray.”

Every night we made the same compromise.  So every night the food cooled while we waited for Nicole to thank God for every imaginable blessing – from her most recent toy to her playtime with friends to the lovely sky to each member of the family.  In our B.C. years, I warmed up leftovers.  Now I warm up first run meals before the first bite.

As soon as we begin passing the food around, the countdown begins.  Within five minutes, at most eight, someone will invariably knock over their drink.  Like the law of gravity assures heavy objects fall downward, the law of mealtime assures kid elbows will catch cup corners.  Like a crowd doing the wave at the baseball stadium, every member of the family jumps up from the table with hands raised in reaction to the inevitable splash.  I’m convinced whoever coined the phrase “No need to cry over spilled milk” never had kids.  

Confident the god of spills has been satisfied for the evening, we restore the table to order and again heat the food to carry on with mealtime.  We then work through the rest of our routine, including a favorite mealtime activity Kurt triggers with the phrase “High Low!”

“High Low!” means the time has come for each person to share the high point of their day and the low point of their day.  I might share, for example, that my high point came when Troy wrote me a little note of encouragement – while my low point came when Troy’s elbow hit the cup. 

Kurt, on the other hand, might share that his high point came when he kissed Mommy upon arriving home from work – while his low point came when Mommy didn’t name the same high.

Kyle might share a high test score as his high and showing up late for band practice as his low.  

Troy’s high typically grows out of some sporting activity, such as a roller hockey goal or beating Dad playing HORSE in basketball.  His low, on the other hand, probably came when he missed a shot or lost to Dad.

Nicole doesn’t quite get the point of the activity since she typically lists everything she enjoyed doing the preceding two months – a list that sounds awful similar to her prolonged prayer from earlier in the meal.

Our High-Low routine took on special significance during Shaun’s forth-grade year.  I remember the evening he skipped naming a high and went immediately to his low.  Suddenly, mealtime became more than a chance to feed the family and overwork the microwave.  It opened the door to uncover some deep hurts in our second child’s life.  My heart sank when I learned his friends had turned against him at school.  But it enabled us to intervene.  Before long, Shaun’s sagging head returned to its former confidence and joy.  If it hadn’t been for our mealtime routine, however, I fear we might not have learned about the problem until more damage had been done.

Other mealtimes surfaced other kid challenges.  It was during a post-spill conversation that we learned of Kyle’s debate with a biased science teacher, opening the door for Kurt to help him defend the intellectual rigor of Christian belief.  We discovered and corrected Troy’s disrespectful attitude with a teacher after he listed getting in trouble at school as the day’s low.  And we found out Nicole hadn’t been as nice as the pre-school director implied when it came to sharing.  All thanks to a little routine called High-Low. 

I think I understand why kids who eat meals with their parents five to seven nights per week do better.  Despite the stress it adds to my life and the mess it creates on my table, I think the time and energy invested pay handsome dividends in the lives of four very important people.